NYT Parenting published an article earlier this month titled “We Need to Talk About ‘The Giving Tree’”. The article takes issue with Shel Silverstein’s classic story of a boy and a tree. Quick recap, the boy and the tree are friends, but as time passes, the boy takes more and more from the tree (apples, branches, trunk), all freely given by the tree. In the end, the tree is left a stump and was “happy, but not really” until the boy returns an old man in need of a place to sit.
In their article, authors Adam Grant and Allison Sweet Grant argue this book promotes an unhealthy relationship and should be read as a “cautionary tale about love”. They propose a family discussion following a reading of this book to young children to imagine a different ending where the boy didn’t take so much and the tree didn’t give so much. They suggest a tale of self-sacrifice is dangerous and needs to have its moral changed and discussed. I disagree.
To be clear, having a family discussion following a story is a wonderful idea. Taking time to engage with your kids, getting their perspectives, understanding what they took away from a book, correcting and providing new ideas as needed is part of parenting – and having “book club” discussions with them is wonderfully fun. When stories (or TV shows, movies, songs even) don’t align with our values, my husband and I find ourselves needing to explain this to our kids. For example, “Wow! Doc is a great toy doctor and really took care of her stuffed dragon today, didn’t she? But I noticed she thinks she needs to hide her magic stethoscope from her Mommy and Daddy – she should tell them what is going on! You can tell Mommy and Daddy anything!”. True discussion. However, I have several concerns with the spin Grant and Grant take on The Giving Tree and the proposed discussion with the kids.
Unsurprisingly, the authors of the NYT Parenting article have read The Giving Tree through the lens of today’s culture which places self above all else. Ironically, that is exactly what the boy in the story does; he is selfish, a taker, who puts his needs before the needs of the tree (and any other creatures who may rely on her branches, apples, or trunk, by the way). And how does he end up? Sad. Tired. Alone. His life of seeking the next big thing for himself comes up empty in the end. His is a tragic story. It takes him a lifetime to realize what is truly important in his life. He finally comes back to it, perhaps with a sense of regret that it took so long. There is a lesson there for all, plain to see: a life lived for yourself only will leave you with none but yourself.
So what about the tree? She gives and gives to the boy, leaving herself nothing but a stump. But is she really the victim of an abusive relationship, unable to place and adhere to limits? Isn’t it possible that the tree understands that love sometimes means sacrifice, that to truly give isn’t always easy, that material things and oneself are not the most important? Throughout the book, the tree is happy to give. True, at the end, she finally admits she is not happy as a stump. But does that mean she is without joy? And is she unhappy because she is a stump, or unhappy because the boy she has loved and cared for has failed to find true joy and meaning in his own life? When the boy returns for the last time finally realizing what matters, the tree is justified, free of any regrets the boy may feel, and is truly happy. She perhaps realizes her years of sacrifice have paid off in bringing the boy “home” so to speak.
What of self-sacrifice vs. generosity? The definitions are revealing. Generosity: 1) the quality of being kind and generous 2) the quality or fact of being plentiful or large. Self-sacrifice: the giving up of one’s own interests or wishes in order to help others or advance a cause. With this in mind, it is fair to say as Grant and Grant do that the tree is generous to the point of self-sacrifice. But this is not a bad thing, nor a bad quality to teach to our children. The Giving Tree in an extreme way shows an example of someone having such great love for another that they are willing to sacrifice over and over again. I’m not sure this story was ever meant to give that “warm and fuzzy” feeling, but that is not the point. To teach our children that they must help others, but only to the point that it is not uncomfortable for themselves, is to do them and the world a disservice.
Is it fair to ensure self-care and “me time” to help you be in top shape to be a good parent (or friend or caregiver or employee and so on)? Yes! It’s needed. My husband and I try to watch out for each other and give each other breaks when we can see we need them. And does loving someone, especially as a parent, sometimes mean saying “no”? Of course! But to shy away from making a sacrifice, or teaching our kids that giving requiring sacrifice is going too far, is to rob them of the joy that can be found in putting others first.
The Giving Tree is not about generosity. It is about self-sacrifice, living for more than oneself, and recognizing what truly matters in life. It is a reminder I can certainly use. And it is beautiful.
